I have always searched for academic validation. Ever since I was young and realized I was actually good at school. Most humanities subjects came easy to me and although I didn’t particularly like it at the time, I was good at science too. It became a part of who I was, my identity. I was smart. I was quickly humbled when I came to Bucknell. I had never had such challenging or fast paced classes. I always put effort into my work but now it seemed almost more than I could handle. My anxiety and insecurities feed off that need for academic validation, to prove I am good at something. Although I might pass or get a good grade to normal standards, and rationally I know it was okay, I still can’t help feeling anxious, frustrated, hurt, and worthless when I don’t measure up to my, admittingly outrageous, academic standards. This really came into play when I decided to pursue chemistry at Bucknell. It is a subject that I’m not naturally good at, my mind simply doesn’t work that way and that’s part of what I love and hate about it. It challenges me and pushes me in new ways, but it does get painful when I don’t do as well in my STEM classes compared to my arts and humanities courses. I changed the theming of my project because I felt more passionate about this topic and like I could easily represent this inward struggle.
Key Words
Pressure
Fear
Frustration
Pain
Validation
Expectations
Education
Insecurities
Academics
Struggle